The London Dungeon

Website: http://www.thedungeons.com

Today I visited the London Dungeon, one of the most touristy places in London. Tucked away under London Bridge station the dungeons are always very busy with long queues of visitors waiting on the pavement outside.

I arrived at the start of the extraordinarily long "buy your ticket on the day" queue at about 12.30pm. I finally finished my visit to the dungeons at 3.40pm. It was quite a visit I'm sure you'll agree... until I tell you that out of that 3 hours 40 minutes I spent 2 hours queueing. That is, from the time I joined the back of the queue (out on the street, in the rain) to the time I joined a tour group that actually set off around the dungeons was 2 hours. 2 hours of my life I'll never get back...
In the queue I was sandwiched behind a large group of twenty-somethings and in front of a family. When the family joined the queue the father said "When we went to York dungeon the queue was this long and only took 20 minutes." I didn't realise dungeons were so universally popular.

The family consisted of two nice parents and four horrible savage children. The kids spent their time shaking wet umbrellas on each other, throwing food on the pavement, repeatedly spitting on the ground and, of course, shoving into me. Just great. I waited quietly in the rain and had so much time to fill that I managed to listen to the whole of the Dark Side of the Moon album. I watched as the family nipped off for hot drinks at Starbucks and the twenty-somethings nipped off to Pret for sandwiches and hot stinking croissants.

Given this hellish queuing I was looking forward to getting past the ticket desk and setting off on the trip. I guess I was naive. Before buying my ticket I had a photo of me taken posing in stocks. I then bought a student ticket for £18.95 and sped off into the dungeons. Or so I thought. First stop was an awkward misunderstanding with a few of the twenty-somethings ahead of me. They were waiting past the ticket desk for some friends who'd gone to the toilet and I stood in their midst for about thirty seconds. I finally figured out why they were waiting and set off to the dungeons. Or so I thought. Next stop was another queue that wound through a weirdly decorated corridor. There were rats on display, entrails, tinned rat etc. I heard two people separately comment "Oh I see! It's death by queuing!".

Finally we squirmed past an important door and were shuttered off into a tour group. An actor dressed in a cloak welcomed us to "The Crypt" and sent us off into "The Labyrinth of the Lost". During his introduction he would talk to one side of the group and then SUDDENLY spin round to the other side and shout his next piece of dialogue to the person he thought was most likely to have a heart attack.

The labyrinth was fun since it was a hall of mirrors and (at last!) we were free to wander (not in a queue) through it. We all made it through to the other side and were greated by a woman who told us we all had the plague and should go to the doctor. She led us through some more spooky corridors and into an "autopsy room". An actor dressed as a doctor was hiding behind the autopsy table and JUMPED OUT at us. He then plucked out a member of the group and analysed them in front of us all, telling us what he'd be like if he had the plague. We then left the doctor and visited "Newgate Gaol" where we were ushered into a court room. Three members of the group were made to stand in the dock and were accused of committing crimes. As they walked up to the dock we were encouraged to "booooooo".

The first was a 10 year old boy called Oliver accussed of running around Covent Garden pinching ladies bottoms.
Verdict: Innocent.

The second was a woman called Lucy who was accussed of urinating into water wells.
Verdict: Guilty.

The third was a man who said he was from Beligum.
Immediate Verdict: GUILTY.

We then left and went on the "Traitor: Boat Ride to Hell". This was billed as amazingly exciting. I joined a boat and we set off. I don't know what I was expecting but what we got was very disappointing. There were no people jumping out at us, no scary noises, no rapids... not much in fact. The whole trip was completed slowly, almost like a formal ballet, in complete darkness. When it was over we were ushered out and into Sweeney Todd's barber shop. We sat in barber's chairs and, once again, all the lights went out. A recorded voice of Sweeney Todd spoke in our ears and then we were jerked back in our chairs. Was that it!? Just compare that to the advertising poster:
We then left and went to the Jack the Ripper part of the dungeons. We saw a few dead, mutilated bodies of prostitutes (pretty odd entertainment really) and then a video about "Who was Jack the Ripper?". This lacked any explanatory power and was basically a series of photos of Victorian men with a voice-over saying "Or was it Colonel _____, or was it physician _____". We were then ushered out and into a mock pub. A woman behind the bar told us it was the ten year anniversary of the ripper murders. We were supposed to get more and more scared as items on the bar began to move of their own accord and then SUDDENLY the lights go OUT and a strobe light shows JACK THE RIPPER trying to slash a group member near the front of the bar! Now I have to admit that was pretty good. He appeared suddenly in a hat and cape with a blast of air and then suddenly was GONE!

We then "learnt" about the Great Fire of London before going on the ride "Extremis: Drop Ride to Doom". We sat in two rows of seats in a room. A restraining bar came down upon us, the lights went out and the seats were raised up. At the top we looked out upon a row of hangman nooses and a judge pronounced that we were due to be hanged. The hangman pulled the lever and SUDDENLY we DROPPED DOWN. And... err... well, that was it.

We were let out and sent into the photo preview room. As always the photos of me were terrible and I didn't want to spend the enormous fees to buy them. The tour ended in the gift shop: "The best Halloween shop in London". It did seem pretty good. There was a variety of Halloween costumes available:Overall I felt the London Dungeons were overpriced and disappointing. My desire to visit them, I reflected, was due to their extensive advertising that makes the rides look exciting. The rides were lacklustre and plain - not "scary" or "terrifying":
As an attraction they clearly save a lot of electricity money by keeping the lights out for most of the time. The high visitor turnover meant that visitors were ushered through each part too quickly. At various points the actors call the tour group "scum" and, worst of all, because I was visiting alone, I was variously called "a suicider" and "billy no-mates". And, to rub salt into the wound, I was paying loads of money for the experience!

Summary: Not worth it.