Website:
http://www.thedungeons.comToday I visited
the London Dungeon, one of the most
touristy places in London. Tucked away under London Bridge station the dungeons are always very busy with long queues of visitors waiting on the pavement outside.
I arrived at the start of the
extraordinarily long "buy your ticket on the day" queue at about 12.30pm. I finally finished my visit to the dungeons at 3.40pm. It was quite a visit I'm sure you'll agree... until I tell you that out of that 3 hours 40 minutes I spent
2 hours queueing. That is, from the time I joined the back of the queue (out on the
street, in the
rain) to the time I joined a tour group that actually set off around the dungeons was 2 hours. 2 hours of my life I'll never get back...
In the queue I was sandwiched behind a large group of twenty-somethings and in front of a family. When the family joined the queue the father said "When we went to
York dungeon the queue was this long and only took 20 minutes." I didn't realise dungeons were so universally popular.
The family consisted of
two nice parents and
four horrible savage children. The kids spent their time
shaking wet umbrellas on each other, throwing food on the pavement, repeatedly spitting on the ground and, of course, shoving into me. Just great. I waited quietly in the rain and had so much time to fill that I managed to listen to the whole of the
Dark Side of the Moon album. I watched as the family nipped off for hot drinks at
Starbucks and the twenty-somethings nipped off to
Pret for sandwiches and hot stinking croissants.
Given this hellish queuing I was looking forward to getting past the ticket desk and setting off on the trip. I guess I was naive. Before buying my ticket I had a photo of me taken
posing in stocks. I then bought a
student ticket for £18.95 and sped off into the dungeons. Or so I thought. First stop was an
awkward misunderstanding with a few of the twenty-somethings ahead of me. They were waiting past the ticket desk for some friends who'd gone to the toilet and I stood in their midst for about thirty seconds. I finally figured out why they were waiting and set off to the dungeons. Or so I thought. Next stop was another queue that wound through a weirdly decorated corridor. There were
rats on display, entrails, tinned rat etc. I heard two people separately comment "
Oh I see! It's death by queuing!".
Finally we squirmed past an important door and were shuttered off into a
tour group. An actor dressed in a cloak welcomed us to "The Crypt" and sent us off into "The Labyrinth of the Lost". During his introduction he would talk to one side of the group and then
SUDDENLY spin round to the other side and shout his next piece of dialogue to the person he thought was most likely to have a heart attack.
The labyrinth was fun since it was a hall of mirrors and (at last!) we were free to wander (not in a queue) through it. We all made it through to the other side and were greated by a woman who
told us we all had the plague and should go to the doctor. She led us through some more spooky corridors and into an "autopsy room". An actor dressed as a doctor was hiding behind the autopsy table and
JUMPED OUT at us. He then plucked out a member of the group and analysed them in front of us all, telling us what he'd be like if he had the plague. We then left the doctor and visited "
Newgate Gaol" where we were ushered into a court room. Three members of the group were made to stand in the dock and were
accused of committing crimes. As they walked up to the dock we were encouraged to "
booooooo".
The first was a 10 year old boy called Oliver accussed of running around Covent Garden pinching ladies bottoms.
Verdict: Innocent.
The second was a woman called Lucy who was accussed of urinating into water wells.
Verdict: Guilty.
The third was a man who said he was from Beligum.
Immediate Verdict: GUILTY.
We then left and went on the "
Traitor: Boat Ride to Hell". This was
billed as amazingly exciting. I joined a boat and we set off. I don't know what I was expecting but what we got was
very disappointing. There were no people jumping out at us, no scary noises, no rapids... not much in fact. The whole trip was completed slowly, almost like a formal ballet, in complete darkness. When it was over we were ushered out and into
Sweeney Todd's barber shop. We sat in barber's chairs and, once again, all the lights went out. A recorded voice of Sweeney Todd spoke in our ears and then we were jerked back in our chairs. Was that it!? Just compare that to the advertising poster:
We then left and went to the Jack the Ripper part of the dungeons. We saw a few
dead, mutilated bodies of prostitutes (pretty odd entertainment really) and then a video about "
Who was Jack the Ripper?". This lacked any explanatory power and was basically a series of photos of Victorian men with a voice-over saying "Or
was it Colonel _____, or
was it physician _____". We were then ushered out and into a mock pub. A woman behind the bar told us it was the ten year anniversary of the ripper murders. We were supposed to get more and more scared as items on the bar began to move of their own accord and then
SUDDENLY the lights go
OUT and a strobe light shows
JACK THE RIPPER trying to slash a group member near the front of the bar! Now I have to admit that was
pretty good. He appeared suddenly in a hat and cape with a blast of air and then suddenly was
GONE!
We then "learnt" about the
Great Fire of London before going on the ride "
Extremis: Drop Ride to Doom". We sat in two rows of seats in a room. A restraining bar came down upon us, the lights went out and the seats were raised up. At the top we looked out upon a row of
hangman nooses and a judge pronounced that we were
due to be hanged. The hangman pulled the lever and
SUDDENLY we
DROPPED DOWN. And... err... well, that was it.
We were let out and sent into the photo preview room. As always the
photos of me were terrible and I didn't want to spend the
enormous fees to buy them. The tour ended in the gift shop: "The best Halloween shop in London". It did seem pretty good. There was a variety of Halloween costumes available:
Overall I felt the London Dungeons were overpriced and disappointing. My desire to visit them, I reflected, was due to their
extensive advertising that makes the rides look exciting. The rides were lacklustre and plain - not
"scary" or
"terrifying":
As an attraction they
clearly save a lot of electricity money by keeping the lights out for most of the time. The high visitor turnover meant that visitors were ushered through each part too quickly. At various points the actors call the tour group "scum" and, worst of all, because I was visiting alone, I was variously called "a suicider" and "billy no-mates". And, to rub salt into the wound, I was
paying loads of money for the experience!Summary: Not worth it.
Website: http://www.theguardsmuseum.com
I tried to read the information cards to understand what I was looking at but they assumed a level of background knowledge that I didn't have (e.g. the technical meaning of battalions, colours, decorations etc). As I made my way around the museum I found longer information signs which gave the necessary background.
even including the battles fought in Egypt: 
Eventually I made it through the extensive rooms to the 20th century where The Great War, World War II and beyond were discussed:
I was interested to see their display about the current regiments in action in Afghanistan:
This formed an striking contrast to the ceremonial aspects of the uniforms, the "colours", the drumming parades etc. After a quick look around at the photos of the stiff-upper-lipped military leaders, I left.
Summary: A bit too specific for a day out unless you know someone who was in the Guards.
